“The Bachelor” or “Man-Eating-Crazy-Eyed-Singles on Stampede”

Sadly, dear readers, I no longer have television.  This has reduced my trashy tv intake in an ordinary week.  (God, I sound like a junky) I no longer waste spend countless hours waiting for girls to get into fights over shady, undeserving men.  I know what you’re wondering.  How do you survive?  How do feel good about yourself as a person? Don’t you get rusty on guessing which boobs are real or fake without the help of trashy tv?  What do you do all day?  Well, dear readers, I will tell you a story.  Once upon a time, I happened to be watching television on a major network, and you will never guess what happened? Lo, America! I spotted trashy tv on ABC. Yes, readers, the moment we all have been waiting for has finally arrived.  You know longer need to be watching Tru Tv, VH1, or MTV to watch trashy tv. It is now available on primetime television.  So, for all you trashy tv fans without cable, your moment has come! All of our petitioning, protesting, and lobbying has worked; TRASHY TV IS ON PRIMETIME, BABY!

Season 14 of The Bachelor is the answer to our prayers.  Just think, they have had 14 seasons to perfect this show comparable to “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” and “Rock of Love.”  The premise is very familiar to us avid fans: finding “true” love…..and 15 minutes of fame (of course)!  Season 14′s Bachelor is a hunky southern pilot with a hot hot hot hot hot body.  Did I say he has a hot body?  Already an improvement from “Rock of Love” and “Flavor of Love.”  We don’t have to look at ugly old men half naked!  Hurray! Primetime got it right.  Here is what “Jake,” the Bachelor, looks like shirtless.

MMMMMMM. Delish.

Now, because he is a pilot (score!) this season happened to be named On the Wings of Love.

Sing it Jeffrey Osborne! Now, if I were Jeffrey, I would be proud of the contribution this song is making to television.  You made history, Jeffrey! (Psssst. You should actually sue, but you didn’t get that idea from me…)

So far this season is full of drama and crazy plot twists in the search for love!  One of the models had “an inappropriate relationship” with one of the staffers and was asked to leave by ABC ……..on the second episode.  (You really couldn’t keep it in your pants for a week? Maybe someone should visit Dr. Drew. tsk tsk.) The worst part about the whole thing, was they used the words “inappropriate relationship” a thousand times in about a 15 minute segment.  Come on ABC, just say it.  She effed him.  See, it’s not that hard to shout it from mountaintops! THE SKEEZY MODEL BANGED ONE OF THE STAFFERS!  Needless to say, that poor guy lost his job.  At least he got some sweet ass though; am I right?  High five? Too far?

The next gem was a lady who asked him not to kiss her.  She seems pretty harmless, right?  Hours later she’s talking about how she wants to kiss him. I want to kiss you. Do you want to kiss me? blah blah blah. What a tease.  When he confronted her about possibly trying to manipulate him with the whole kissing thing, she didn’t get it.  So, you need me to kiss you? No, I just feel like you were teasing me. So, you need to kiss me? Why did you ask me not to kiss you? I know it wasn’t for spiritual reasons. *awkward confused silence* Do you need to kiss me? Stimulating conversation to say the least. She went home.

Last, but not least, I give you crazy Michelle. She is a beautiful woman, there is no doubt about that, but there is also no doubt that she has crazy eyes. (Picture courtesy of How I Met your Mother) Michelle is the typical needy, sensitive girl every man loves and adores. She threatens to pack her bags and leave, cries, and does anything to get attention. (Is anyone else reminded of a 4 year old? Temper tantrums, meaningless threats: I’m going to run away, and you’ll be sorry. I don’t think he’s going to feel sorry about this, honey…)  Anyways, eventually, with a house full of 20 something women, she feels that his attention is not fully upon her, (I wonder how she got that feeling?)  and she can’t handle it anymore.  She awkwardly asked him to kiss her, he hesitates, and they have an equally awkward kiss. Then the conversation goes a little something like this:

“You got to give me something more than that.  I can’t stay. I really want to stay, Jake, I really do, I feel that we do have a connection, yet to spend this time with you and not to be able to really kiss you, hurts me.”

And, here is when he grows a pair and calls her bluff: “Michelle, I think it would be better if you did leave.”

Now, her whole plan of having babies and getting married is ruined.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she went  home and ate a whole box of Krispy Kremes.  Jake knew what he was doing though, the math didn’t work out.  I know what you are thinking dear readers, Beth, what does math have to do with love? I am so glad you asked that question! Here, let my good friend Barney Stinson explain:

So, you see, she fell too far below the crazy line and wandered into dangerous territory.  You don’t see it in this picture, but Jake actually has his TI 83 graphing calculator out and is calculating her crazy factor. That’s why he hesitated.  In the end, he walked her to a cab, and now all the noticeably crazy women have been kicked off the show.  Don’t fear dear readers, there is still drama aplenty! Everyone hates Vienna, except Jake, and the women literally went ape crazy when they found out she got a rose.  Seriously, the dissed her extensions. What has the world come to?  So, keep those ratings high, readers, we don’t want trashy tv moving off primetime! I think I am going to have to give The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love three hippos for exciting plot twists, and excellent casting.  However, I think they got rid of all the crazy people a little too early to deserve four hippos. Sorry ABC!

Until next time,

Salud!

I should probably state that the only quotations that are actually legitimate quotations from the show are the ones marked in parentheses.  Because I do not want to be sued by a SINGLE (as in not dating anyone) crazy eyed gal, the other conversations were repeated from my memory and may not actually be the direct words stated by these ladies.

Thanks for the picture:

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images.buddytv.com/articles/michelle-kiss.JPG&imgrefurl=http://www.buddytv.com/articles/the-bachelor/the-bachelor-michelle-got-what-33840.aspx&usg=__pTDa-lN0c_bU648ebdm0vhUpHUI=&h=170&w=230&sz=7&hl=en&start=11&um=1&tbnid=MCm-ZeFAFE96UM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=108&prev=/images%3Fq%3DMichelle%2Bbachelor%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

You mean Spidy isn’t the name of your pet spider?

Speidi is the beloved nickname the media lovingly gave Heidi and Spencer Pratt, who are famous for…nothing.  Watching them is like watching a horrific car accident, you can’t look away, no matter how hard you try.  Here is one such example: This is probably the saddest display at an attempt for talent I have ever seen.  I mean she’s lip synching in a pink bikini , rolling around in the sand and ocean (probably getting sand in scandalous places. OUCH!), climbing rocks, and falling dramatically onto her beach towell.  All that comes to mind is: “Was Spencer filming this?  I think we might have stumbled upon one of their home videos…yeah, that’s it.  They sent the wrong tape to the recording studio……What?”

In addition to this atrocity, they also claim to be extremely religious.  In fact, Heidi was caught saying she would like to be the next Mother Theresa.  Because Mother Theresa did this: Okay, a she’s going to be “a modern Mother Theresa.”  Because the way to convert sinners is to tempt them to read Playboy?  It’s okay, I’m sure they only read it for the articles anyway.  And, I am pretty sure Mother Theresa would marry someone whose ultimate goal in life is to become “the villian.”  Spencer had a televised baptism performed by Steven Baldwin on NBC’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! (Jungle Baptisms were so last year, Spencer.)  So, why all the contradiction? Why the Angel and Demon contrasts? Is it an elaborate ploy concocted by “the villian” to get media attention, or do they just wing it every time a camera crew yells “Action!”  Does Spencer sit in his evil hideout hidden in a cave in “The Hills” to devise his next scheme? I can imagine him stroking his creepy flesh colored beard, calling Heidi to make him some coffee, because he has another long night of thinking of outrageous publicity stunts.  Hey, Heidi! Would you be willing to sell dry shampoo?  Or, how about starting a fake singing career? Nevertheless, the greatest moments of Heidi can be seen here: You have to feel bad for her here, I mean, come on.  They ripped the labels off of her dry shampoo, and it took Spencer all day to put them on!  How could people be so mean?  It’s comparable to murdering children!  That shampoo didn’t do anything to you “B rated” celebrities. Leave Heidi alone.  At least she is praying for their lost souls and willing to forgive them.

In addition to singing careers, one of Spencer’s genius ideas that he concocted (Most likely in his cave in “The Hills”) was to write a book.  Apparently, it’s a How-to guide about gaining celebrity status for doing…nothing.  Maybe Spencer really is an evil genius…or maybe an evil alien genius.  He does kind of remind me of Marvin the Martian. So, for being evil (and at the same time, angelic) genius’, I am going to give Speidi 3 hippos.  First of all, they make me feel good about myself as a person.  Secondly, the fact that Spencer has found a way to survive on planet Earth and blend in with human being,s is not only surprisingly sophisticated, but incredibly advanced.  Kudos to being the smartest being in the universe!

Until next time,

Salud!

Do’s and Don’ts. Wannabe(s) and Be(s)

First off: VH1 shows!

Everyone knows that VH1 tops any network in terms of high class and sophisticatingly enlightned reality tv.  Rock of Love, Charm School, For the Love of Ray J, Daisy of Love, etc. are all nail biting dramas people tune in each week to watch.  However, I am just disappointed in VH1.  What are these shows? I’m not seeing the same quality that I usually expect from VH1′s programming.  For instance: Megan wants a millionaire. It should be called Megan is a skanky money sucking snore.  This show does not contain the prerequisites of “drama” and “class” that other shows contain. First of all, I think someone forgot to tell these guys that they are MILLIONAIRES.  They should not have to be on tv to get a girlfriend.  So, after deductive reasoning, (and watching a couple episodes) I have concluded something: these men are only on the tv show because they are incapable of getting a girlfriend by themselves, even with their millions.  It’s really more sad than entertaining.  These are the creepiest, and ugliest (harsh, I know, but it’s that true) men I have seen on a tv show yet.

Okay, so this is just an example of the many men enlisted. Donald must be about 70?  And he’s not the worst of it.  Poor poor Joe. Joe desperately tried to breach the friendship barrier to win Megan’s heart.  His first plan involved attempting to win the challenge, but, when he found out math was involved, he had a bit of a breakdown.  He’s a trust fund baby, could the producer’s try to at least make the show fair for him.  Seriously, math?  But things went from bad to worse, when he pulled out a kiss; which, I can only guess, he learned on planet vulcan. What resulted afterward in Megan’s lavish suite, no one knows, but I can onlyspecualte that mouthwash was involved.

I really just want to run around the room screaming every time I see this. Overall, Megan wants a millionaire is a sad display of VH1 programming.  Instead of being captivated by drama, I’m just creeped out!  Therefore, this show is only worthy of one hippo.  So sad.

Until next time,

Salud!

Welcome to Hippo Ratings!

So, I basically wanted a forum where I could divulge all my opinions about pop culture, books, movies, music, and maybe even the occasional political commentary(not likely).  Since, I will be ranking all of these based on their coolness factor, I thought, “What kind of system could I use to rank something? The coolest thing I know is a hippo!” So, therefore, logic dictates, hippos it is! Four hippos means fabby fab. Three hippos: it makes me smile, two hippos: “Ehhhhhh”  and one hippo, well, I’d rather be entertained by poo. (Sick!) I know what you’re thinking: Beth, this is genius, this is amazing, this is my whole reason for living! I’m just one hip lady doing the world a huge favor. Who uses the word hip anymore?

Salud!

I gave myself three hippos for the idea. I didn’t want to seem arrogant and give myself four, although, I probably deserve it.